I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
