She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
