Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize