she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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