My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
