My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
