Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
