Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i think my cat just said my name.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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