tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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