I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
