You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
