The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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