Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
