she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
