god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
