could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
