Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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