How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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