Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am one with the molecules
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
