I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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