Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
