I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
