i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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