There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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