Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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