see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
A bitchslap is in order.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
