i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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