Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
