that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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