I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
