shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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