I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
