I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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