in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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