he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
