They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
