Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
