I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
