I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
