I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
