I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
