You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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