Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
