For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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