I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
