he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
