Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
