I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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