Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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