Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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