I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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