I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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