Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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