ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
