My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
