there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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